VALKYRIE

Translation of a full page ad in the New York Times:

MESMERIZING ! AN INTENSE TOP-NOTCH THRILLER ! TOM CRUISE GIVES ONE OF THE BEST PERFORMANCES OF HIS CAREER.

Note that it is “one of the best” and not “the best”. If Valkryrie is a “thriller” then “the longest day” is probably a western !

PULSE-POUNDING, HEART-RACING EXCITEMENT FROM START TO FINISH HANDS DOWN THE BEST SUSPENSE THRILLER OF THE YEAR:

Reads like an ad for “Speed 3” ! It tries to convince the audience that even though we all know that Valkyrie is a movie about a FAILED attempt to kill Hitler during the second world war, there is some kind of suspense involved because we are really gonna care about the destiny of one eye-patched Tom Cruise disguised as a German soldier.

THIS IS WHY YOU GO TO THE MOVIES!

This line could be followed by another saying:
And this is also why you wonder why you’re not statying at home reading a book.”